The other day a dear friend rehearsed to a congregation a story of a young girl who brought a friend to church and how that invitation forever changed the life of her friend. It was a very moving moment for me because I was the friend who was forever changed...
In 4th Grade a classmate invited me to a Sunday School event at her church. Now, religion was a bit confusing in our family because my dad was Catholic and our mom was Templelot Mormon. Dad raised us to believe that if you're not Catholic you're going to hell, but mom quietly demonstrated to us that there's more to be experienced outside the Catholic church. Somehow my mom convinced dad to let me go to church with my new friend, Tonya.
Tonya's church was about a 30 minute drive. On our way there Tonya told me about Sunday School and how she was going to be baptized, it was all foreign to me but she seemed very excited. When we pulled in to the parking lot I felt butterflies in my stomach. I didn't understand why I'd be nervous or excited about going to church, I went to church with dad every Sunday. As we got closer to the doors my excitement increased to the point of getting goosebumps! Then once I walked through the doors, before anyone even spoke a word to me, my heart felt overwhelmed with the very thing it had been searching for in my short 10 years of life...love. I couldn't explain it then, and all I really understood was that in THIS church building I felt like I mattered, I felt joy, love, peace, acceptance...all that in one moment without anyone speaking a word to me. I wanted to cry in relief for what I had found! I never wanted to leave.
Tonya and I became good friends. I'd spend as many weekends at her house as dad would allow so I could go to church with her. Then, in 5th Grade, tragedy happened. It was after school and Tonya was suppose to come over. We were neighbors of sorts, she lived about a mile up the hill from my house. I was watching for her from our porch when I saw a police car and ambulance drive by. My brother and cousin pulled in to our driveway about the same time and said "Something happened just up the hill. We're going to go check it out." Since Tonya wasn't there yet I decided to go with them. We walked to the end of our yard and noticed a bicycle laying on the pavement where the paramedics were working. It didn't connect that I had seen that bicycle before, but being from a small town we figured it would be someone we knew so we started guessing who the paramedics could be helping. As we were playing the guessing game, not knowing how injured the person really was, I looked up the hill to see if Tonya was on her way yet. Just as I looked up, Tonya's parent's car was pulling off to the side of the road. It all happened in slow motion...I saw their car, looked toward the accident scene and saw the paramedics lift the sheet covered body into the ambulance, then it all clicked and I began to scream uncontrollably. My screaming made my brother also realize it was Tonya who the paramedics just lifted into the ambulance. I couldn't walk, I couldn't breathe, all I could do was wail in agony. My brother picked me up and carried me into the house. My mom came rushing to see what happened, my dad told my brother to shut me up...but I couldn't stop. My brother took me to my bedroom and I laid there weeping for hours. My mind kept replaying the surreal scene of my friend's bike lying mangled on the road, her parents faces when they got out of the car, and the lifeless body the paramedics lifted into the ambulance. At some point I fell asleep.
Later that evening Tonya's parents called to tell me the news, that Tonya had been hit by a truck and died at the scene. They wanted to tell me themselves, but had also called to ask me not to come to the funeral because they didn't want me to see Tonya in that state. I agreed, because I loved them and wanted to honor them, but as the time of the funeral drew closer Tonya's parents changed their mind. They later told me that the impact of the truck that hit Tonya was so strong that her head was severely damaged and they didn't want me to see her in that condition, however, the funeral home did a good job of restoring Tonya to her natural state so they felt it wouldn't be as traumatizing for me to see her. They didn't know that being on the scene already traumatized me and that the anguish was further sealed into my soul by my father's initial love-less reaction to my loss.
Tonya's family and I grew closer during our time of mourning. I still spent many weekends with them, went to family holidays and dinners with them, we helped each other through the grief. Of course, part of spending weekends with them was going to church with them! I loved going to their church! I learned through Sunday School that the love and peace I felt while there was the presence of God...it was certainly heaven on earth! I would spend large amounts of time at the altar sitting in the presence of my heavenly Father, weeping because I didn't want to leave Him and go home to my angry earthly father, but it was inevitable. Every weekend I'd ask if I could stay with Tonya's family, or at least go to church with them. My dad started to get angry when I'd ask, so I'd ask my mom who would then take the brunt of his anger for me. After about a year of this my pastor told me it would be best to honor my dad and stop coming to church. I was heart broken, but wanted to obey my dad so I quit going. It wasn't long after that when I got caught up with the "wrong" group of friends.
Drinking was always a big part of our Polish family. Open bars at weddings, graduations, first communions, or for any celebration, so it wasn't a big surprise that the first thing I did to numb the rejection I felt at home was drink. I'd drink anything I could get my hands on and I'd drink until I passed out. I hated being sober because there was a void in my life I didn't know how to fill. Soon alcohol wasn't numbing the pain enough...and deep inside what I really, really wanted to do was just go back to that country church and sit in the presence of God but I wasn't allowed to so I searched for other ways to fill that void.
In my search to fill the emptiness inside I stumbled upon a young man who introduced me to the occult. He taught me that anger could give me power and that I should embrace my emotional pain instead of trying to mask it. I started to rebel against my parents (afterall, I was the one who controlled my life not them). Heavy metal music fed my anger and hatred, drugs and alcohol became my life and I didn't see the slippery slope I had started going down. I ran away numerous times, helped other friends run away, made plans to hurt those closest to me and attempted suicide.
During one of my excursions, when my parents didn't know where I was, my mom decided to go to my room and pray for me. On her way up the stairs she heard laughter and a voice said, "We have your daughter." Being the praying woman that she was, she declared "Oh no you don't!" I have no doubt her recollection is true because I was deep into the darkness of this world at that point and made plans to run away to a large city so no one could find me. I thank the Lord for a praying mom!! Only He knows what I was saved from at that time!
When the police brought me home from that last run-away attempt the officer told me my dad threatened to kill me if I came home. (Why they still took me home I have no idea!) Mom decided I needed to get away from that particular group of friends, from my dad and from all the trouble I couldn't seem to find my way out of, so she sent me to stay with family in Missouri. When I first arrived in Missouri I was very depressed and still wanted to die, but having that time did bring focus back into my life and when I returned home I didn't have the same dark desires I had before...matter of fact, I would find myself sitting in my car in the parking lot of that country church I went to with Tonya's family. One day I took a chance and wrote Tonya's mom a letter and left it on Tonya's grave stone asking for their help. They contacted me and I started going to church with them again for a little while until dad put a stop to it.
Being a teenager is confusing enough, but when your dad gets angry with you for doing good things (like going to church) and gets angry with you for doing bad things (like drugs and running away) you start to feel trapped...so I once again turned to drugs, alcohol and physical relationships to fill my empty heart. I threw away my high school education by either skipping class or coming to school drunk, high or both. I had several teachers try to intervene (because I had been on the honor roll at one point) but their words fell on deaf ears and a dead heart. I finally dropped out of school two months before graduation.
During my second round of substance abuse I met a very attractive guy with red hair and the ability to make me laugh...which was a ray of sunshine in the darkness that surrounded my life. I spent as much time as possible with him and his group of friends. Soon I became his girlfriend, then shortly thereafter we found out I was pregnant. Expecting a child made me stop and evaluate my life choices. I was going to be a mom and I wanted to be the best mom I could be, so I immediately stopped drugs and alcohol and made plans to finish my Senior year of high school. I knew Jeff was a good person when I met him, and that was confirmed throughout our relationship, but I was still surprised when my 17 year old boyfriend asked me to marry him. So there we were, two high school seniors married and expecting our first baby.
The first 4 years of our marriage were rocky. We married in December of 1990, had our son January 1991, had our first daughter in October of 1992 and our third child (second daughter) in December 1993. I don't think a day went by that we didn't fight to the point of threatening divorce, but we were both too stubborn to let the other win by actually filing (thank God!). Then one night something supernatural happened. As I mentioned before, I had dabbled a bit in the occult. This particular night I had a very real and very disturbing dream, and in that dream there were demons pointing at me and laughing as I was struggling to set myself free. In my dreamy mind I could see these figures taunting me, in my physical state I could sense a presence in my bedroom. I tried to wake myself, but I couldn't move my body or cry out for help, yet my mind was awake enough to realize there really was something in my room and I could hear footsteps running away. As soon as the footsteps left I woke up and called out to Jeff. I told Jeff about my dream and what I had experienced, he suggested we get the kids out of their room and bring them to bed with us. As all five of us lay in bed Jeff said, "I think we should start going to church." My heart leapt with joy because I knew just the one!! (Later Jeff described what he felt that night when I woke him up; he said it was a physical darkness like he'd never felt before in his life and it scared him so much that he actually wanted to start church...something he was VERY opposed to prior to that night.)
Twenty years later we are still serving the Lord. What He has done in our lives and in our marriage is nothing short of a miracle!! When we stop to think about where we'd be without Him we cringe! We hear about what has happened to some of our old friends and say, "There but for the grace of God go I" because, as Paul told the Corinthian church in 1 Corinthians 6:11 "And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God." I am humbled to know that God loves me because I am so unworthy of His love! I was telling a friend about how I weep in church during a particular song (https://youtu.be/-S-GhY1P4Ss) and she asked why I'd cry...because every time I'm in the presence of God I feel like Isaiah "Woe is me for I am unclean!" Yet the Creator of this universe desires a relationship with each of us no matter what is in our past!
I am so grateful that my gradeschool friend invited me to church all those years ago...32 years later it is still changing my life! I Won't Go Back
